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Ask Amanda: Feeling Restless in My Relationship at 23
posted on January 29, 2016 | by Amanda Holstein
Question:
Hi Amanda!
I just recently started reading your blog, and I love it! Hopefully you can give me some advice :)
I have been in a relationship for 4 years. We met in university and both stayed in our small university town after graduation. We decided the next step was to move in together, while we both started full time jobs.
Lately I have been feeling very restless…. I am only 23 and I’m really not ready to settle down. I don’t want to settle for the first job I got right after graduation, and I’ve been itching to move to a bigger city. My boyfriend loves his job here and has told me before that he doesn’t want to move. I understand where he’s coming from because his friends and family all live here, and I don’t want to be the reason he quits his dream job.
I don’t want to look back one day and regret not taking a chance and challenging myself. Should I explore my options in a new city? Should I end my relationship and enjoy being single for a while? I would really appreciate your input!
Thanks,
Tyra
Answer:
Hi Tyra!
Thanks for your email! Let me see if I can help :).
I can actually really relate to your situation. I dated my ex-boyfriend for 6 years starting in college. We moved in together after college and I began feeling restless as well. I knew there was more that I wanted to experience and so much more self-growth ahead of me as well. I ended up listening to my gut and breaking up with a really great guy, despite others’ opinions, and it was the best decision I’d made for myself as an adult. I learned SO much about myself in those next couple years of being single, living in a new city, and focusing on myself. I even met someone who I now realize is a much better fit for me and what I want in life!
Now, we certainly aren’t the same person or in the same situation, but I thought it might be helpful to hear that. It sounds like deep down, in your heart, your intuition is telling you to follow this dream of living in a different city and experiencing life for yourself. If that is what your gut is truly saying, I think you need to listen to that. I also think it’s important to ask yourself, would you regret it if you never took that chance? If so, then you should go for it. There’s really nothing like being single in your twenties — it allows you to truly figure out who you are and what you want in life, and will make you a stronger person in the end.
Let me know if this is helpful or if you want to discuss it further :). I’m more than happy to help!
Thanks :)
Amanda
Sophia Says
I’m surprised at the lack of discussion of options besides moving *and* breaking up with her boyfriend. Are there no bigger cities near where the two of them currently live that she could move to while remaining close to him? Is she feeling so blase toward her boyfriend that she doesn’t even list long-distance as an option even though she doesn’t have a particular destination in mind and might not end up that far away? It seems like she’s very willing to leave her boyfriend behind without a specific plan, so it seems like whether or not she decides to move, maybe she should end the relationship anyway rather than waste more of his and her time if she’s that ready to jump ship…
Kasie Chelanne Says
I just wanted to chime in and say that I have also been in that situation…I was with my college boyfriend, later fiance, for nine years. We moved to a different state away from my family together, we bought a house together, we planned a wedding together. We did everything we were “supposed” to do only none of it felt quite right to me, to the point where I’m fairly certain I wrote in to various advice columns asking essentially the same questions as Tyra.
Eventually I realized that if I was asking those questions of myself, of others and of Google I already had the answers I needed. Part of me knew that I needed to move forward in my life and grow on my own, I had just been too afraid to leave a great guy and the life that I had known for so long.
Leaving your comfort zone is the hardest AND most rewarding thing you can do in your 20’s! It is such an incredible time of growth and discovery. It is a time where you can explore who you are and who you want to be. And it’s a time when it is okay to be selfish and listen to that voice inside of you that is urging you to expand your horizons and experience what else life might have in store.
The breakup was devastating, the life changes that followed were terrifying but I can attest that there is a great deal more satisfaction and happiness on the other side.
Kari Says
Great advice. I had a similar situation in my mid-twenties. After going through that (and eventually moving on from the relationship), I’m so happy I did. In the end, that wasn’t meant for forever and I later met my husband and I knew then that was where I was needing and wanting to be. Never settle. If you feel there is more, there probably is (unless you’re married and then that’s a different ballgame).