10 Lessons I’ve Learned From 10 Years With My Boyfriend

posted on August 28, 2017 | by Sam Brown

When I first started dating my boyfriend Steve, I was just a shy 16-year-old schoolgirl (OK, I’m still kinda shy now!) who didn’t have the faintest clue how to apply mascara properly, let alone be somebody’s girlfriend. But fast forward 10 years (and more changes to our life plans than I can count) and we’re still together! I’m no expert when it comes to relationships, but I love what Steve and I have and I’ve learned A LOT – so that’s what I’m going to share today.

1. It takes effort.

I definitely believe there needs to be a certain level of comfort and chemistry between two people, don’t get me wrong, but I don’t think the best relationships are natural and effortless. No matter how in love two people are, it still takes time and effort to properly communicate all of your thoughts and feelings and get all of your expectations on the same page (at least it has for us). Effort is the key to an amazing relationship, so put the effort in!

2. If you think something nice, say it.

Every night for the last three years (and counting), Steve and I have told each other our three good things about the day. And I always try to squeeze in something good about the day that has to do with Steve. It’s usually something really little (maybe we got to Netflix and chill or he gave me a lift from the train station) but I truly believe that telling Steve the little things I appreciate about him has had a hugely positive impact on our relationship.

3. Don’t keep score.

Steve and I don’t really keep track of whether we’ve been ‘paid back’ for the nice things we do for each other. He’ll pick me up from the train station without making me feel like I’m inconveniencing him, and it’s the same when I do nice little things for him. And because of this, we actually help each other more often than if we kept track – when someone does something nice for you and doesn’t make you feel bad about it, you want to return the favor! To get this started, remove the phrase ‘you owe me one’ from your vocab.

4. Have your own friends.

I’ve always been a strong believer in having my own friends and making sure I see them without Steve (the gossip’s never as good if he’s there!). Having my own friends helps keep my identity as an individual, and the same goes for Steve (which means Steve usually sees the boys without me). Mutual friends are amazing but you always need a ride or die!

5. Spend time apart.

As you might have guessed from the last one, I’m not afraid to spend time apart. Out of our 10 year relationship, I’ve spent nearly a year traveling overseas without Steve. Long-distance absolutely sucks, but time apart is OK – especially if you want to travel the world and your boyfriend doesn’t.

relationship advice in your 20s

6. Be quick to apologize.

Not going to lie, I can get a little snappy (especially when I’m hangry). But I’ve learned that apologize quickly, and sincerely, is better than trying to pretend it never happened.

7. Different priorities are OK.

I’ve learned that just because something is important to me, doesn’t mean it’s important to Steve. And that that’s fine. But I didn’t figure this one out until quite recently, full credit to this episode of The Life Coach School Podcast for that!

8. Be a cheerleader.

Obvious, right? But I don’t know what I would have done without Steve’s blind faith and support as I’ve tried to figure out what the hell to do with my life – especially when he’s had no idea what I’m even trying to do! He never fails to encourage me and it makes all the difference.

9. Have your own goals.

It’s amazing to have goals as a couple but it’s even better when you’re both also working on your own things. Support each other always, but be your own people too.

10. Create traditions.

One of my favorite little “traditions” that Steve and I have is tucking into our candy drawer when we watch Netflix on my laptop in bed. I know this definitely isn’t the healthiest thing to do, but we both keep the top drawer of my bedside table filled to the brim with our favorite chocolates and candy at all times. I love going out for a fancy dinner, but there’s nothing better turning on the fairy lights, lighting a delicious candle and tasting all the new things we’ve bought as we watch our shows.

What have you learned from your relationships?
Let me know in the comments below!

And just so you know, you can find more advice about how to make the most of your twenties on my blog Smart Twenties.

8 Comments

Abinaya Says

I wish you all the happiness and love in the world!
Love this post so much!

Amy Says

This is so refreshing to hear! My guy and I have been together since we were 17 (13 years) and all of your tips/advice/experience rang very true to me and our relationship. So, thank you and all the best to you both! xx

Candy girl Says

Its really great to see loving couples that has similar goals, all relationships when they start with a solid base creates a strong structure for the relationship if u build the structure on a fake base it will crumble and fall , you can’t start a successful relationship when each one of you has different interest in being in this situationship meaning if u meet a guy and you and him are only after fun , but u happen to fall during the situationship , u changed the rules of the game , u fell but he still didn’t , if a man enters a relationship and he’s after sex he will never invest his time , effort , respect , feelings , respect , on the woman he’s with he systematically programs his brain on the situation which is , she’s a temporary person in my life I shudnt invest much , I shud keep we at arms length not get her close in my life , won’t share myself , thoughts , or invest love on her cause she’s here today tomorrow she’s with another , some women can adapt to that and program themselves the same other at fall and will want to change the rules of the game but can’t cause it’s not a movie or afairytale where the man suddenly realised he’s in love and wud move heaven and earth to be with her , life teaches us that , I keep reading comments and articles about couples and wat guys say and wat women do and how they act around each other and say that it’s normal to have that cause both startedin a correct way , they have same goal ,love ,companionship and future together . Men who aren’t invested in these things won’t invest much of anything , they will give but not much so that they end up regretting giving too much or suffer if a breakup happens and they are certain that this person they’re seeing there’s no future with them and no matter how long he relationship continues it’ll end sooner or later , so I guess they beginnings always determine how a certain relationship or situationship will take its course. best of luck to you both .

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Ankiita Says

well it took a long time to finally find my Mr right he is 56 and i am 48 he is the perfect gentleman. those of you who have a negative outlook where relationships are concerned will always attract negativity.

Mendez Ricky Says

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Warren Lawrence Says

Sam, thanks for your reflection on a decade-long relationship and sharing the lessons. It is crucial to put some effort in maintaining a relationship. I am also sure that it is important to express the positive thoughts, avoid scorekeeping in gestures, and have individual friendships to keep personal identity. I am future phychologist and I am writing paper with customwriting.com on helathy relations. I can tell that it is important to spend time apart, be able to quickly apologize, accept different priorities, and support each other’s goals.

Warren Lawrence Says

Sam, thanks for your reflection on a decade-long relationship and sharing the lessons. It is crucial to put some effort in maintaining a relationship. I am also sure that it is important to express the positive thoughts, avoid scorekeeping in gestures, and have individual friendships to keep personal identity. I am future phychologist and I am writing paper with customwriting.com on healthy relations. I can tell that it is important to spend time apart, be able to quickly apologize, accept different priorities, and support each other’s goals.

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