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Ask Amanda: My Boyfriend Broke Up with Me, How Do I Move On?
posted on June 10, 2016 | by Amanda Holstein
Question:
Hi Amanda,
A while ago I asked you a question about my LDR boyfriend and how he never seemed to want to plan anything with me. This weekend he broke up with me. I was so scared and shocked that I never got to say what I wanted to say. When breaking up he said that we were holding each other back and that I have so much potential and now I can thrive and live the life I have always dreamed. He does not believe we are good for each other and he said some awfully painful things to me leading up to this emotional moment. To be fair we had been fighting non-stop for about a month. I feel like it was mainly my doing because I was always sad or angry that he wasn’t putting in the work that I was for the relationship.
I wrote a letter to him explaining my side of the story. Almost a good bye for now letter. I hope this gives us some closure over the situation. I find myself running through the emotions, avoiding the tears as much as possible. What I fear is losing my best friend. We were friends for 2-3 years before dating for almost a year and a half. I feel like I have lost someone important in my life. How can I move on while maintaining a friendship with him? I know that now I need to focus on myself but I also feel like this decision was unfair and I don’t want to accept it. I’m lost, sad, angry, and utterly heartbroken.
How do I move on? I want to know if I will ever be worth the admiration and love that I hoped to receive from his end. And if we could ever be friends again, when is a right time to approach that conversation?
Sincerely,
Madeline
Answer:
Hi Madeline,
I totally understand what you’re feeling! Let me see if I can help.
First of all, I want you to know that you will be able to move on and you certainly are worth the admiration and love that you hoped to receive in this relationship. The reality is, he just wasn’t the one. He didn’t feel the same you way did, and I understand that hurts, but it’s not because you are not worthy of his love. It just means that it isn’t the right fit. He clearly didn’t see in you exactly what he thinks he wants, but that doesn’t mean you are missing something are that you are “less than”. We are complicated human beings and understanding why we feel strongly about one another can’t often be explained! Just know that you will find someone who appreciates you for who you are — it’s just not this guy.
I totally get not wanting to lose him as a friend or as a person in your life, and if it’s really that important to you to keep him in your life, then you will. But for now, you need to let some time pass so that you can both move on and let all the emotions subside. This may take a few months or even a year or more until you feel comfortable being friends, but that’s okay. Right now, you need to focus on yourself and specifically, loving yourself. Don’t let his rejection change the way you feel about yourself. You are still you and you should still love all the amazing qualities you have to offer. This just wasn’t the right fit, and that’s okay! That’s what we do — we get to know people and have relationships in order to figure out if this is the right person. If it’s not, that doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with you! Try your best to build up your own confidence right now and remember how great you are and what you love about yourself because you’re going to need that strength and self-support to move past this.
I recommend putting all of your focus into something else right now to distract yourself and let time pass. Whether that’s focusing on your friends or a project or a hobby, it doesn’t matter. Just find something that makes you even the slightest bit happy right now and put your whole heart into it. Before you know it, time will pass, you’ll feel SO much better about yourself and the situation, and become a stronger, better person for it!
Good luck my dear! You will be FINE, I have no doubt!!
xoxo
Madeline
Kristen Says
Hi Madeline,
I had commented on your original question and think I can lend some advice here as well as someone who went through this too. All of the feelings you are having right now are fresh, harsh and hard to get over. All totally normal!
But during the times you are missing him also look at the way you felt with him in the past few months. You said above you felt always sad and angry and that was WITH him! He wasn’t doing the things you wanted him to do or acting the way you wanted him to act towards you.
That’s no way to be in a relationship. Relationships are supposed to uplift you, that person is supposed to be your partner. Your partnership wasn’t 50-50. While obviously its natural to miss someone but BE HONEST WITH YOURSELF, he really wasn’t giving you what you wanted. Yes there were good times and you can surely remember those, but in the end you should never let yourself feel the way you did with him. Always wanting more and feeling empty.
Put your energy in new things, friendships, work and what helped me out the most -working out! I got myself in an awesome workout routine that did wonders for my mind as well as my body. You can do this and once you are honest with yourself it will feel like a big cloud has been lifted. The cloud being someone not giving you want you needed and holding you back.
YOU GOT THIS!