Ask AmandaDating & Relationships

Ask Amanda: Should We Move In Together?

posted on February 12, 2016 | by Amanda Holstein

Ask Amanda: Should We Move In Together?

Question:

Hey Amanda,

You answered a similar question a couple weeks ago, and I’ve asked the same question to my friends, but I need an outsider’s perspective, and would love your input! It’s a bit multi-faceted, so I apologize if it gets confusing.

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 10 months. I’m 23, he’s 29. We are both moving to DC in a couple months, and were initially looking at places together.

After looking at apartments, I’ve now taken a step back and am not so sure. I’m realizing that I’ll be in a brand new place and might want my own space. I’m also fiercely independent, and am wondering if I might want to start this journey in a new city independently.

I love him, he treats me like gold, and he truly is my best friend. However, there are many times when I feel two steps ahead of him career-wise, intelligence-wise (I’m sorry, I know that’s mean!) and goal-wise (i.e. wanting to be “successful” but having no tangible way to get there).

One of your posts mentioned that you were in a relationship where nothing was obviously “wrong” but getting out of it allowed you to take time for yourself and then find someone who ended up being a much better fit, and I can’t stop thinking if this might be the case for me, too!

What would you recommend in my situation? I would love any input you have!

Thanks in advance,
Hayley

Answer:

Hi Hayley!

I can definitely help you out with this one :).

I typically don’t like being so direct with my advice, but in this case I feel very strongly that you should live separately, mostly because I can tell that’s what your gut is telling you to do.

There is really no rush to living together and it can bring a whole new layer into the relationship that you may not want at the moment. Moving across the country is already a huge change, and adding another major change like living together may complicate things. I think it’s important that you both create your own lives for yourself in this new city, independently. It will make you each stronger on your own, which in turn will make your relationship stronger. If you were to live together, it may be very easy to want to lean on one another. But from experience, I know how important it is to each have your own lives and your own networks.

I actually just went through a somewhat similar experience. I just moved across the country with my current boyfriend (NY back to SF). We met in NY and were together 9 months before moving to SF. We were also unsure whether or not to live together and were very close to taking the plunge, until I realized what I told you above. And we both could not be happier with the decision. We’ve been able to build our own lives here and love this city in our own, individual way. It’s made us both stronger individually and as a couple.

I also have the experience of living with a boyfriend (the one I mentioned breaking up with a few years ago). I was 23 when we moved in together and we’d been together for 4 years at that point. A lot changes when you move in together, more than you realize. Looking back and experiencing that confirms for me that there’s really no rush — once you move in together, you live together (ideally) for the rest of your life, so why rush, especially if you have this gut feeling telling you that you’d prefer to live apart.

In the end, this decision is completely up to you. Remember that you don’t need to do something just to make others happy or because it sounds like the right decision out loud. Do what feels right in your gut and in your heart and you won’t go wrong.

I hope this helps! Good luck!!

xo
Amanda

What do you think Hayley should do??

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