Ask Amanda: My Boyfriend Wants to Have Sex More Often Than I Do
posted on April 3, 2015 | by Amanda Holstein
This advice column features questions submitted by actual readers (real live people!).
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My boyfriend and I have been together for about a year now. I love him and am largely happy with our relationship, but the passion of a “new” relationship has faded. I’m fine with this – it’s natural. He, however, wants to have frisky time multiple times a week, and acts as if I don’t love him or am not attracted to him anymore when once a week is quite enough for me (in most cases). Is this something that every woman deals with, but no one talks about? How can I manage his expectations, while still assuring him that I do love him and find him attractive?
First of all, I want to let you know that this is TOTALLY normal and tons of couples go through this. So you are certainly not alone. I would definitely recommend you talk this through with him. One thing I’ve realized is that you don’t need to have the solution to the problem before you talk about it with your partner. You’re in this relationship together and can figure how to make this work together.
Talk It Through
When you’re both in a good mood, happy with each other, and not stressed out about other things, I suggest you start talking about this subject. You can say something like, “I love you so much and I love how affectionate you are with me. It makes me feel good that you want to have sex so often, but at the same time I just don’t get the urge as often as you do. It’s not because I love you any less or am any less attracted to you.” Get a sense of how this makes him feel (literally, ask him!) and try to listen without getting defensive.
Pin Point Both of Your Needs
Once you’ve both expressed your feelings about the situation, I think it’s important that you find out what actions make each other feel loved. It sounds like sex (etc.) for him is a sign of love and for you, it may be sex and other things. I think you should discuss what each of you needs, individually, to feel like you’re getting the love and affection you want. It’s totally normal for your needs to differ, so talking through them and saying them out loud is a great way to clear the air and show that you both do love each other, you just need different things from one another.
Also keep in mind that it may take a few conversations to figure out how you’re both going to handle this, and that’s okay. Also know this: this doesn’t have to be something that will make or break the relationship. Even saying that when you start the conversation can seriously help – saying that you both love each other and that this problem isn’t the end-all-be-all, it’s just something you guys need to figure out. Once you both can accept that, it puts less pressure on both of you. Just know that you will find a solution together as long as you both are patient, open, and honest with yourselves and each other.