Ask Amanda: Did I Make the Right Choice with My Breakup?
posted on February 24, 2017 | by Amanda Holstein
My boyfriend of 4 years and I recently broke up. It has honestly been one of the hardest times of my life because we first started dating during my transition from high school to moving to college. He had been my rock for so long, and recently we just realized we weren’t on the same path in life. I still love him and care for him dearly. I wake up in such an awful funk every day missing him and hoping we can get back together one day.
Recently I found out he has been dating a new girl (from social media posts). It made me question if he was cheating or talking to her right before our breakup. I met up with him to find some closure because finding out he was with someone else (a month and a half after we had broken up) felt even worse than the actual break-up. When we met up, he told me he didn’t want to wait around for me as I finish up my Master’s degree. He isn’t in school and I feel like we didn’t motivate each other. But I still love him and wanted things to work out.
He told me he wasn’t over me but still dating this new girl. If I was at home, we would be together. This ultimately confused me and makes me feel like I’m doing something wrong — being in school. It just has been a very hard transition of worrying about being a girlfriend to worrying about making myself happy.
My question is, how do I let go and just move on from a relationship? I feel like I’m constantly comparing myself to his new girl and question myself on everything in our relationship and our breakup. It has really affected my everyday life and I find myself questioning everything I’m doing.
I can totally relate to what you’re going through! What you are feeling is totally normal, especially after dating someone for so long. No matter how a relationship ends or what happens after, the transition is hard. It’s simply tough to move on from a relationship. It just is. But you can and you will get through it.
I think first you need to go back and think about why you decided to break up with him in the first place. Really think about those reasons, focusing on why they are important to you. Clearly, those reasons are important to you, so you need to trust that you followed your gut and made the right choice. Just because you’re questioning that choice now does not make it the wrong decision.
This is a time in your life when you need to be figuring out what’s important to you and going after what’s important to you. If school is important to you, your life, and your future, then you need to listen to that gut feeling and make it a priority, which you did. That gut feeling is not something to overlook. Learning to trust your gut is all part of growing up, and I truly think your gut was right. Have confidence in your instincts and the rest will fall into place.
Once you can feel confident in your initial reasons for breaking up, you’ll begin to feel confident in the rest of your life and stop questioning everything else. Thinking about him dating this other girl is just going to drive you crazy. In reality, it really doesn’t need to affect how you look at the relationship or the breakup. It just makes it harder to stop thinking about it all.
The best thing to do is to stop interacting with him, checking his social posts, etc. and just step away for a few months. It’s so much harder to move on from a relationship when you’re still thinking about him, talking to him, and seeing what he’s up to. It’s best to just disconnect completely for a while and let time do its thing. I know it’s hard, but it really helps.
Then, put your time and focus into something else — something that makes you truly happy. Whether that’s a hobby like painting or a school project or a new friend, put all of your focus on that. It will distract you from thinking about him and it will make you happy all at the same time.
I hope this helps! Good luck!
Jerome Tripp Says
Great Advice Amanda. I agree. Gabby should focus on doing her own thing for a while. The mistake we make when we are so young is trying to define ourselves through our relationships with others. Eventually, she will discover that life is about self-actualization and the foundation of that starts with the individual.