Ask AmandaDating & Relationships

Ask Amanda: Why Doesn’t My New Boyfriend Initiate Plans?

posted on April 24, 2015 | by Amanda Holstein

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Question:

I am in a new relationship and I’m really excited about it. I feel like we connect on a deep level and have great conversations, chemistry, etc. The only problem is that I am so excited about this new relationship, I’d like to see him even more than we currently are. With his busy work schedule, we really only spend 2 nights together– either a “real” date or casual apartment hangout. I also never really know when next time I’m going to see him, after our date is over. There’s never any follow up plans and I’m always the one to initiate our next date by letting him know when I’m free later that week.

I’m feeling like he just doesn’t seem to care whether he sees me or not, or is waiting to see what other plans he has (better plans?) before committing to time with me. In a new relationship, I’d like to feel like he’s eager to see me whenever he can (even 3 times a week would be better!) and I want to feel desired, not that I have to initiate our time together. Do you think this is a case of “he’s just not that into you” or just a bump in the road to work out?

Answer:

I think the most important thing you need to do here is voice these concerns to him. They are totally valid and worth bringing up! Have you had any discussion about whether you’re exclusive? What you both are looking for right now? You may need to dig a bit deeper and find out if he feels ready to be in a committed relationship and if that’s what he wants right now.

I also have a feeling that if he just made plans with you and made you feel like he really does want to be with you, then you’d be okay only seeing him a couple times a week. Do you think that’s the case? It seems like this is more about you getting confirmation that he is as committed as you are.

Perhaps when you’re both hanging out at one of your apartments, you could bring it up. It doesn’t need to be a “I need to talk to you about something” conversation – this can just make it a bigger deal than it is and get you both worked up. Instead, try making plans and if he reacts per usual, make sure you get the following points across:

1. It’s important to you that he follows up and initiates hanging out (because it shows that he’s interested).
2. You feel a deep connection and could see this going somewhere and you want to know if he does too.
3. How can you guys find a way to either hang out more or make sure he follows up and makes plans just like you do.

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