The First Fight
posted on January 15, 2013 | by Amanda Holstein
Believe it or not, the first fight is a good thing. At the time, however, it’s absolutely terrifying. For the first time, you start to question your relationship, if you’re right for each other, and if he’s the guy you thought he was. Naturally, it’s scary. But think about it. You fight with your sister, right? And your mom, and even your best friend. It’s only natural to get into it with the people you’re closest with. So accept that first, and now let’s figure out what this fight really says.
The good thing about that first fight, (and the many that will come), is that it’s very telling. The way you two handle this situation will say a lot about your relationship. Once you both have a breather and are ready to talk about it (yes, you have to talk about it), be honest. Really think about what scared you about that situation and tell him. Did it make you think he didn’t want to be with you? That he didn’t appreciate you? Did it make you lose self-esteem? Really read your emotions and just be flat out honest. But, as you learn in Psychology 101, avoid the word “you”. In other words, avoid putting the blame on him, or anywhere for that matter. It’s best to be matter-of-fact. For example, instead of saying “you made me feel unappreciated”, say “I didn’t feel appreciated”.
I think the scariest thing about these conversations is not knowing whether the end goal is to resolve the situation or to just “win” the fight. Especially in the beginning of a relationship, it’s hard to have that sort of confidence that you both want to fix it. So, if you want to talk through this in the hopes of a positive outcome, say it. Say, “I want to talk through this because I want to be with you and I want us to work.” It can help make the conversation less of a back-and-forth, defensive fight, and more of an open and honest discussion that’s moving in a positive direction.
The main thing to remember is this is normal. Even the happiest couples argue and get angry with each other. What defines them is how they handle those hiccups.
What was your first fight like with your guy?
I think the strangest thing about your first fight, particularly in a really good relationship, is that you’ve already gone SO long without fighting and probably talk a lot about how you never fight, which you think proves that the two of you are superior together. So when you finally do fight, it really makes you question whether or not you are in the relationship you previously thought you were in. I was lucky – my first “fight” with my then boyfriend (now husband) was pretty open and shut – I was really busy doing something at school and wasn’t responding to his calls and texts like I should have been (we were long distance), so he told me I needed to make our relationship a bigger priority, and he was right. I have some friends, though, whose first fight was a knock-down drag-out battle over the proper definition of a burrito. Yes, a burrito. I think when you fight about things like that and can’t agree, you often thing it’s over. But I agree with everything in your advice above – it’s not the end, it’s normal, you will move on. I think what you’ve written is something everyone in a relationship they’re excited about needs to hear – keep up the great work!
Name’s Not Ashley
Amanda SaysPost author
I totally agree! I feel like you always emphasize how great it is that you don’t fight, and then bam – that’s when your first fight happens. That burrito story is hilarious, too. Oh the things we fight about!
nancy @ adore to adorn Says
Oh the first fight. I don’t even remember what our first fight was about. In fact, a lot of fights are forgotten once we talk it out.
I have learned to “fight” better. I definitely have learned to avoid blaming and using words like “you.” I also have used words like “us” and “we” to imply we have both contributed to something not working. A lot of positive words go a long way…even in a fight. Though, it takes a lot of effort to do so. Naturally, when people fight, it’s to become negative and go for a win…but once you train yourself, the fights don’t get so heated and you also learn when to walk away.
You’re right…you fight with people you love often (parents, siblings, friends). It doesn’t mean you love your significant other less if you do fight.
Tashi Lhamo Says
I dont remember what our first fight was on. I can only remember the times i cried when we talked through it cos i was so relieved.