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Ask Amanda: Should I Break Up with My Boyfriend?
posted on August 20, 2013 | by Amanda Holstein
Question:
I have been dating my current boyfriend for about a year and a half. We are going into our senior year of college. He treats me very well: he is very kind and patient with me (I am very impatient and easily annoyed), and I know he would do anything for me.
Lately, I have been feeling a bit bored, and have had a gut feeling for the past few months that this isn’t right for me (that is, he isn’t THE ONE). He isn’t as driven as I am, we don’t have the same goals, and we are very opposite personality-wise. He is my first boyfriend, so I am not sure if these feelings of uncertainty are normal or not.
I hadn’t really been considering breaking up with him until I recently met a new guy. We have been texting a lot, and I am starting to develop a crush on him. I would never cheat on my current boyfriend, but the thought has crossed my mind, hence why I have been considering breaking up.
I tried a break with my current boyfriend recently, but during that time the new boy and I stopped talking (for whatever reason), and I desperately missed my current boyfriend (maybe out of comfort? I don’t know). I just can’t help feeling like I’m not IN love with him anymore, but I was so sad when we were apart, I don’t know if breaking up is the right thing to do. I do not want to have regrets.
What do you think I should do?
Answer:
This is certainly a tough situation, but I totally know what you’re going through. The main thing you need to do here is follow your heart and really listen to what you want. From what you’re saying, it sounds like you care about him a great deal but know in your heart that he’s not who you want to be with anymore. The fact that you missed him during your time apart is totally normal, and doesn’t necessarily mean you want to be with him. It just means you really care about him as a person and of course you’re going to miss him. Breaking up with someone is not easy and may not feel good for a while, but that doesn’t mean it’s the wrong decision. If you feel a sense of relief in your heart or a weight off your shoulders when you think about the idea of ending the relationship, then I think it’s the right thing to do.
There is also no shame in starting to develop feelings for someone else. In fact, that can make the break up process easier on you, knowing there are other guys out there. Just be sure that if you do choose to break up with your current boyfriend that you don’t put too much pressure on finding someone else quickly or on making this new person work out. If things don’t work out with this new guy, it doesn’t mean you made the wrong choice in breaking up.
Of course, the decision is up to you and I’m just here to repeat back to you what it sounds like you’re telling me. It truly sounds like you know in your heart that this relationship is not what you want and that’s really all you can base any decision off of. I think you know what to do.
Let me know if you want to talk this through more! I am more than happy to help. Good luck! And thanks for reading my blog :)
Best,
Amanda
Carmen Says
Wow. This is good advice for Amanda.
Sarah Says
When my sister broke up wth her boyfriend of four years, she missed him terribly too and questioned her decision. I reminded her of a book she had read on the brain and how humans are creatures of habit. She was used to her bf being around and she had to break that habit, which was tough. It’s difficult to quit something cold turkey, whether it be a boyfriend, facebook, or other habits (like drinking coffee!). :) The book mentioned something about endorphins and our habits and how breaking a habit forces the brain to “rewire”. I wish I could remember what the book was called… It gave an interesting perspective!
I like Amanda’s advice! And I totally love the blog! :)
Nicole Says
Holy cow, this. is. my. life. Down to every detail… 1.5 years with the current, college senior, new crush. I really needed to hear this, too. Thank you!
Melissa McMaster Says
My daughter is a junior in college, and we talk about serious relationships while in college. In my opinion it’s never a good idea to get serious with a guy because you are so young, and you have so much life ahead of you. You have plenty of time for relationships and the commitment that comes with it. You seem to have become accustom to your boyfriend being at your beck and call, but you want to have fun too. There is nothing wrong with you being a senior in college and having fun doing what college kids do, but is it fair to string him along for the ride blindfolded? I know you said you would never cheat on your boyfriend, but in actuality you have. If you are texting and talking to another guy, it’s called emotional cheating. Because you are giving your time and attention to another person while your boyfriend hangs in the ballots. You may feel a bit ackward without your boyfriend which is understandable because you have spent so much time with each other, but if you are not feeling the way he feels about you perhaps you may want to give serious thought about parting your ways for a short break. You may even find that he is the one for you after all. Time away from a situation sometimes clears our vision the more. I wish you success with your relationships rather it be with present boyfriend or new boyfriend.
marty Says
haha totally stumbled on a site for girls…but as you said that youre a freelancer, you should make a unisex blog, i bet it’d help for all of the 20-somethings from a girls perspective (for us guys)
Hannah Says
This sounds exactly like me. 1.5 years with my boyfriend, in college and new crush. I feel like I’m moving on with my life and making new friends and I feel he just isn’t fitting in with my life anymore. I feel like I’m in so deep. We’ve discussed moving in together and I’m about to get a new place but I feel as if I would be screwing him over if I were to break up with him now. I feel like I really like this new guy and I’m scared. I don’t want to hurt anyone but I know that if I stay I wont be as happy as I could be.
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Ellie Says
Wow, this was exactly the answer I was looking for! I have the exact same situation going on right now and this just made my life so much easier! Thank you!!!
Isabelle Says
So my boyfriend is great and he has the same personality we are always hanging out but it seems like I’m not enough recently he has been talking to this girl and he even asked for pics. AND HE GOT THEM. Of course like any guy he denied it and of course a girl like me I didn’t want to loose him. So I forgot about but know he hasnt txted me in a while so now I’m paranoid that he has been seeing some other girls. So later I went to a football game with a friend and my boy BFF was there. So we hung out for most of the night and I just had a feeling when I was around him. I thought it was nothing Bc it happend a lot. But then he texted me after and we were getting close. Then he wanted me to break up with my current boyfriend to go out with him. And I had no idea what to do. He is still pressuring me and I told him that my boyfriend would lash out because he is a softy. So 30 minutes ago he asked me out on a date WHAT DO I DO WITH THEM!!! Please help me out.
Caro Says
Hi Amanda. So here’s my story. I have been with my BF for about 2 and a half years and a little over a month ago I met this new guy that I have fell head over heels with. We met through my job and the second we made eye contact I had massive butterfly’s and I haven’t felt that way since I started dating my current boyfriend. We ended up trading business cards and he added me on Instagram. He saw that I had a boyfriend and respected it but one day he texted me about business and the convo eventually led to flirting. Long story short, we hooked up, twice. I felt horrible because my BF is the most loyal and honest person on this earth and I let him down. So I ended it with the other guy. I wrote him a text on. Why I can’t continue this, no response back. I then had to leave the country for over a week for work and had some time to think what do I really want. I couldn’t stop thinking about him, to the point where I was awake all night praying that he texts me. We didn’t unfollow each other on Instagram so he see’s my posts. Then one night I got a text “I miss you” and heart sunk. It was him. From there we started slowly texting back and forth and he FaceTimed me a few days after. But in the back of my head I know it’s weong, I have a BOYFRIEND!!! I just got back home two days ago and I was with my boyfriend the whole day. I even posted a pic of us on my IG story. The other guy saw it and texted me that he unfollowed me in IG because he can’t see that anymore. So what do I do? A few hours ago by and I sit my boyfriend down and I tell him that I need a break, out of the blue. My boyfriend thought I was playing some cruel prank at first and then realized I was serious. I told him I just need some time to think and that I am not in a good place right now. He was so hurt, I saw the tears roll down his face because he didn’t know what just happened. I texted the other guy and told him and he was in shock too but of course happy. Now it’s a new day and I woke up 2 hours before my alarm because there is so much going on in my mind right now. Did I make the right decision? Do I stay with the guy who is madly in love with me and that I have been with for almost 3 years or do I try something new? I’m just so afraid that if I do make this decision say it’s the wrong one and I lose my best friend for some other guy who just ended up being a fling. My heart can’t take that. What’s your advice?