Ask AmandaDating & Relationships

Ask Amanda: I Move Slower with Boys Than My Friends Do

posted on December 4, 2015 | by Amanda Holstein

Question:

Hi Amanda,

I’m a senior in high school and I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Like most high school girls, I have always wanted a boyfriend. However, I am a late bloomer, I only had my first kiss about a month ago. I am okay with my innocence and I think it makes me part of who I am.

And that’s the problem. I just want to be friends, I don’t want to “make out” or hook up or anything because for some reason, I feel like it will make me less of a person. I know doing that stuff does not define someone and I am not even agaist it or anything! For some reason, I just do not want to be that vulnerable with someone. I ended things with one boy because I didn’t want it to go any further and I was scared of being in a relationship. Romance and cheesy things like that just seem to turn me off, and if it gets in any way clingy, I’m out. And I don’t know why.

I have always wanted a boyfriend, but now that I can have one, why does the idea of it turn me off so much? Do I just have no sex drive? All my friends have had multiple boyfriends and are really experienced, and I am worried I will never get there and I am more concerned with why I keep turning every guy I like away.

– Amy

Answer:

Hi Amy!

First of all, there is NOTHING wrong with you. Everyone is different in how they “bloom” or when they become comfortable with being sexual or having a boyfriend. There is no normal path when it comes to this, so don’t be hard on yourself about being different from your friends!

It sounds like there could be a few different things going on. One thought I have is that maybe it all just makes you so nervous, since you haven’t had much experience with boys yet, so that just makes you want to run. I was actually like this in a lot of ways in high school. I would get SO nervous before meeting up with a guy or talking to a guy that it made me think I wasn’t even interested. If you can try to figure out what you are so afraid of, that will help. Are you afraid of looking silly or saying the wrong thing? Or are you afraid of getting into a sexual situation that you’re not comfortable with? Find out what it is you’re afraid of and try to work through it.

Another option may be that you’re just not comfortable with sex yet, and THAT IS NORMAL. (No one in high school is, they just fake it, I promise you!) It takes time and experience to feel comfortable in those situations — it also takes the right guy who makes you feel comfortable, respected, and who doesn’t push you too fast.

Sex, relationships, dating — it’s very normal for all of this to be scary right now because it’s all so new. You certainly don’t need to push yourself past your comfort zone, but I think it’s important to ask yourself what exactly you’re scared of so that you don’t miss out on making any worthwhile connections.

Let me know if this helps or if you want to talk it through more!

Good luck!
Amanda

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