Ask Aryssa: How Do I Bring Up the Future With My Boyferiend?
posted on September 11, 2020 | by Megan Lierley
Dear Ryss, My boyfriend and I have been in a relationship for a year. Everything is going great and I think we’re perfect for each other. I’m not ready to move in or get engaged anytime soon, but I want to make sure we’re both on the same page that that’s something that will happen in the future. I’ve heard horror stories about people dating for years avoiding the topic, only to find one person wasn’t on the same page. Also, I don’t want to just have the conversation because we’ve hit a year and it’s ‘time’ to talk about this stuff. I just want to make sure we’re on the same page. How do you suggest I initiate the conversation without scaring him into thinking I’m trying to move too fast, because that’s definitely not my intention!
The one year mark is a great time to have a check-in with your partner about your relationship and what the future will look like for you. If time flies when you are having fun, it definitely zooms by when you are falling in love. Taking a moment to reflect on what is working and where you would like things to go is a smart move. There’s nothing wrong with making sure you both are on the same page or figuring out how you can get there if not.
START WITH THE PRESENT
Start by mentioning how happy you are that things are going well and that you have found someone in him that you think is a great fit for you. Give him the opportunity to share his sentiments as well. This can even be a great opportunity to discuss things that may need some improvement in the relationship.
Move on to your next point of appreciating that you don’t feel any pressure in the relationship to make big moves that don’t feel natural yet.
BE CLEAR ABOUT WHAT YOU WANT
Share with him what your thoughts are about a future together. Before you have the conversation be sure you know what you want out of the relationship so that you can express that clearly to him. Be direct about when you feel you would be ready to take the next step in your relationship and what that next step would be.
The more confident you are in what you are looking forward to in the relationship, the more productive the conversation will be. He will be able to use your desires as a baseline to decide if he wants to go in a similar direction or not.
Ask him if he has thought about your future together at all or has any ideas for himself of what he would like to happen. It is perfectly fine if he doesn’t have those answers right on the spot, as he may need time to think about what that looks like for him.
This conversation can be revisited when he has had time to sort those thoughts out. Pushing for answers right away may bring up the feelings of urgency you are wanting to avoid. Reiterate that you are happy with where the relationship is and want to work together with him to decide when those next steps feel right as a couple.
These conversations can feel a bit awkward when first initiating them, but remember that you both deserve to know what one another is expecting out of the relationship. Be honest about what you are looking for and be prepared to accept whatever it is he may want as well.
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