Ask Amanda: How to Respond to Pressure from Guys as a Single Girl
posted on January 15, 2016 | by Amanda Holstein
Recently I’ve found myself in a difficult situation that I’m hoping you might have some advice on. Since I’ve been out of college, I’ve been exploring the bar scene a lot more which has been really fun for meeting new people — guys in particular.
Unfortunately, when the night comes to a close and I’m alone with a guy, there have been many situations where they have pressured me. In general, I’m not a very assertive person, which I’ve been trying to work on. But I just can’t seem to find my voice and assert myself when I’m being pressured by a guy in particular.
I think two of the main reasons I ultimately give in to pressure is because a) up until that point I had been enjoying myself, and so I’m not completely shocked or offended when they try to move further and b) I’m afraid I’m leading them on just because I don’t want to be “that kind of girl,” which seems like a silly, antiquated reason. I feel like maybe they read my ambivalence as permission to move forward, even while I’m saying I don’t want to. Anyway, I’m wondering if you have some advice or go-to lines when you’re being pressured by a guy to make them back off without offending or rejecting them.
I totally understand where you’re coming from. I think the most important thing here is to remember your needs, to get in touch with what you really want, and to feel enough self-confidence that you don’t need to just say what others want to hear. Your happiness and comfort is more important than trying to avoid offending someone you just met. You don’t need to tell these guys what they want to hear if it’s not what’s best for you.
First it’s important to remember that just because you kissed a guy and clearly like him, doesn’t mean you need to take it further that same night if you don’t want to (of course, if you want to, that’s fine too — no judgements here). But if a guy is pressuring you to continue the night at his place and your gut is telling you no, just say, “I really like you but I think I’m going to head home alone.” Then offer to hang out another time and make specific plans so he knows you’re interested. You could say, “but are you free this weekend to grab a drink or something?”. You can also go the blunt route (my favorite) and say lightly, “We just met! I just don’t feel comfortable yet, but maybe another time.”
For the most part, the right guy will respect a girl who doesn’t move too quickly. You just need to believe that and be confident in who you are. If he reacts poorly to your rejection, then he’s probably not the kind of guy you’d want to continue a relationship with anyway.
Finding your voice and feeling confident in your beliefs is definitely something we all work on in our twenties, so you’e certainly not alone. Just remember that you need to make yourself happy first before you make anyone else happy, particularly someone you just met. Offending someone isn’t the worst thing in the world, especially if it’s to protect yourself and your needs.
Good luck! Stay strong!!