Ask AmandaDating & Relationships

Ask Amanda: I’m worried my boyfriend has feelings for his ex

posted on April 27, 2018 | by Amanda Holstein

In today’s Ask Amanda, Advice from a 20 Something reader Devon is worried that her boyfriend has feelings for his ex because they dated for a long time. Find out what I think about this, based on my own personal experience, and what she can do moving forward.

Question:

Hi Amanda,

I have been dating this guy for about 4 months and we really like each other. We talk about our future and he wants to introduce me to his family soon as well. He was in a relationship for 5 years and they broke up less than a year ago. He tells me that he doesn’t have any feelings for her and if ever given a chance, he would never get back with her. However, it bothers me that he was with someone for this long and I feel like she would still have a hold on him. He told me that he’s not friends with her but she is still on his facebook and I don’t know for sure if he is still in touch with her.

I’m starting to get strong feelings for this guy and I want your advice on whether it is possible for someone to get over someone they dated for 5 years.

Thanks,
Devon

Answer:

Hi Devon,

Great question. Yes, it is absolutely possible to get over someone you dated for 5 years. I’m actually a real-life example of that! I was with someone for 6 years before my current boyfriend. I have NO residual feelings for my ex and am I’m also so sure that my current boyfriend is the love of my life.

Dating other people is all a part of growing up and you can’t really judge a relationship entirely by the length of it. It’s totally possible to date someone for a long time and get over them. You never know what that relationship was really like, if they were truly happy, if they could have ended it sooner, etc. Also, if they ended amicably, it wouldn’t be totally strange for them to still be Facebook friends. Maybe it would make you feel better if you had a better understanding of why they broke up. It’s important to be able to ask him about that and for him to be able to talk honestly about his past with you, so don’t be afraid to ask!

If you’re worrying about him having residual feelings, this might also just be a sign that you need more reassurance from him about he feels about you. Think about what you need from him to feel loved. Do you need him to communicate his feelings more? Show them through actions? Understanding what you need to feel loved, and then communicating that to your partner, is SO important. (This post might help you figure that out!) If you can work on that, you may be able to get the thought out of your head that your boyfriend has feelings for his ex.

Good luck!
Amanda