Why You Shouldn’t Feel Bad About Not Being Engaged
posted on October 5, 2017 | by Chelsea Becker
I get frustrated that there even has to be posts about this topic because everyone’s journey is different and unique to them, but the truth is, we all need a reminder sometimes. Whether you’re in a relationship or single, getting engaged is something that starts to weigh heavily on the mind of most women after a certain point. Even if you’re so happy, questions like, “How much longer do we have to be together before we get engaged?” or “Will I ever meet someone I want to marry?” start to run through your mind. Before you get to that point, though, here are a few reasons not being engaged is nothing to feel bad about.
Everyone’s journey is different
Like I said above, everyone is on their own path and no two look the same. For some, that means marrying their high school sweetheart at 20, for others it means finding the one at 40. Sure, it may seem like some women “have it all” because they have a successful career and a marriage. But just because someone is 27, has an awesome job, and a home of their own doesn’t mean they’re lacking because an engagement (or even a relationship) isn’t part of the picture. You’re awesome with or without a ring on that finger!
There are a lot of other ways to find happiness. Instead of sitting around willing someone to propose to you, focus your energy elsewhere. If you’re in a relationship, plan a fun staycation or a day trip—something you’ve both been wanting to do, but never made the time for. If you’re single, a girl’s night or weekend is never a bad idea. These things aren’t meant to be distractions, but rather an opportunity to create moments to remind yourself that life is pretty great—even without a fiancé.
Age doesn’t matter
This is probably the number one cause of women being hard on themselves. It’s like after turning 25 or if you’ve been with the same partner for X years—suddenly some kind of clock starts to tick. I’m convinced this is a form of self-torture and I’m not sure it’s something that is preventable, but my best advice is to not take it so seriously. Pay attention to your emotions, but don’t let that “tick” make you settle for something less than you deserve.
Just because you aren’t engaged doesn’t mean you aren’t “settled down”
I love how people like to associate the phrase “settled down” with getting married. Just because you’re an unengaged 29-year-old doesn’t mean you’re going out every night and making reckless decisions. Don’t let anyone make you feel like you’re not already living your life because you aren’t married.
Social media is 90% for show
Social media, we love it and we hate it. No matter what, social media is always going to be there to make us *at times* feel bad about ourselves. However, I know I’m also guilty of being that person who shares a fun or exciting moment. And that’s the important thing to realize! People only (mostly) share the excitement of their lives. The more aware you are of that, the better off you’ll be. Because unless you go completely off the grid, social media will always be there waiting to show you the next announcement.
What are your thoughts on not being engaged and how do you feel about it?
If you are engaged, anything you wish you knew earlier?
This post was a really great reminder! I turned 25 this year and it seems like even a relationship is nowhere on the horizon for me. I definitely need to remind myself that it’s okay and to put the energy I spend worrying about it into something productive. Thank you for this!
This is a great post and is one I definitely needed to see right now. I am single and Ive never been in a relationship before and sometimes i do feel crap about it but Im only 21 and like you said, everyones journey is different. x
Oh man I get asked on a DAILY basis when if/when my boyfriend is moving in / we are getting engaged. Sure, we’ve been together 6 years and I’m 27. But the truth is, it’s no one else’s business but our own. There’s no timeline we NEED to accomplish X, Y and Z by.
Thank you. Thank you. THANK YOU for this post. Self-torture is the most accurate description I’ve ever heard. My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over three years, and I’m at the age where every summer is filled with back-to-back weddings so avoiding the topic has been damn near impossible. This was a good reminder that I (we) don’t need to follow anyone else’s schedule. We’re doing things at our own pace and that’s okay!
Really enjoyed this article. I’ve been with my boyfriend for four years. We bought a home together but do not plan to get engaged. It’s hard because my younger friend just got engaged, so I’m struggling with that. I need to remind myself that everyone’s journey is different.
I love this post! I’m 20 years old, and I am going to school for my dream profession. My boyfriend and I have been dating for 3 years, and we like to remind each other that marriage will not change our ultimate life goals. It’s so important for people in a relationship to find calm in the chaos. We have our goals, enjoy our passions, and marriage might be a milestone we eventually want to reach… but I don’t intend to put our lives on hold for an engagement.
Hi Chelsea Becker,
Thank you for writing this article.
I have been with my boyfriend for around 5 years and I am 25 years old (he is 26). I have lived in Sydney all my life. His parents were from Minnesota but he was born in Sydney and lived here for 11 years. They moved back to the USA when he was 11 years old. When he was 21 he decided to revisit Sydney and study abroad (2012). It was while he was studying in Sydney that we met and starting ‘dating’. We got to know each other intensely for around 3 months before he went back to Minnesota (and his family) to return to his university.
Then we spent around 2 years dating internationally and he would come an see me every 4 months during his holidays. During that time he finalised his Australian citizenship so that he could live here. After 2 years he moved here as a poor student. It was really hard for him to get settled and that probably took around 1 year. It has been a few years. It has been a long process to settle and to let go.
We love each other and are best friends. We also have a really deep faith in God and believe that he has brought us together. He has made his intentions very clear to me and he wants to get married soon.
I’ve explained all this to say that despite loving each other deeply. We are not engaged yet. I have been desperate at times for this to happen but have realized that sometimes, even though he might love you with all his heart/life that doesn’t mean that he is ready. Sometimes good men have some emotions to work through and it might take some time. I have been really angry with him even to the point of almost giving up but he is the one that fought for me. After all this testing I can say that I don’t want to live without him.
In conclusion…. sometimes the testing is worth it. Its worth seeing that you never want to live without that person.
We are doing really well now and I thank you for writing your thoughts. You’re stronger than I have been but I think that I have learned how to be strong enough in myself to recognize that and engagement doesn’t define me or my worth.
Ps. Hope to hear from you!